+1

So i passed class 10. Probably the best class of all my schooling. I had loads of fun but now its over. I got some holidays after my class 10 examinations and boy didn't i make use of them. Going out everyday not spending a minute without the company of your friends. Had the time of my lifee.
And now, i'm in 10 +1. It sounds big, isn't it? It is huge too. All my life and career depends on how i choose to spend my time during the nest two years. I know this. If i study and work hard i'll live a happy rich life after that. But knowing something and doing something is different.
I took non-medical and aspire for a seat in the IITs. For that i joined IIT-JEE coaching centers. I have 2 classes every alternate days which span over 5 hours. There's just an half hour of break between them. Its pretty stressful and exhausting. Its still my early days in the science stream but as it seems i haven't quite been able to adjust with my new life.
I ought to study for atleast 4 hours everyday for the next two years to have any chance of getting into a good college. 4 hours of self study + 5 hours at the tuitions = 9 hours of study in a day. To top it all the syllabus isn't easy too. Its hard to say the least.
With so much time devoted to studies i don't get any time for myself. Tuitions books thats all whats left in or of my life. The fun has been drenched out of my life. I don't go to school too. I've joined a dummy school and only have to go to do practicals once a week or so.
The competition makes life all the more interesting in non-medical. Every second guy takes this stream. Every second of that second is some of a genius. They do all the syllabus before hand. Most of the people at my coaching centers have already done 10+1 maths. They all seem alien to me.
While i was enjoying my life in 10th these guys were studying +1. They've put in more hours of hard work than me and deserve to be ahead of me which they certainly are. But i'm still complaining. I feel only class 10's studies ought to be done in class 10 not 10+1's. For 10+1's studies there's 10+1!
But what can be done. Those guys did what they had to and now are way ahead of me in the syllabus and probably the race to IIT Delhi. For the first time in my life i would crib life isn't fare. I did what was supposed to be done in class 10 and when i enter 10+1 i see rather i feel i did nothing. I feel sad when those nerds get more marks than me. I get frustrated. I get angry. But there's nothing i can do. Except ofcourse study.
I'm trying. I won't say trying my best but i'm still trying. I'm making an effort to come close to the nerds. They seem far ahead of me but with uhh loads of perseverance i'll catch them. The key is to not stop trying. And i know i won't. I have to reach IIT Delhi.


My blog is like my diary. I write what i'm going through. So if you were expecting some stories or poems i'm sorry to disappoint you.
Thanks :)

Rewind rewind where is the fucking rewind button!

Arrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
'He smiles so cutely when i say your name' A girl to another one talking about me. What the fuck. I give a blushy smile? This is so not cool. Who says stuff like this?
Embarrassming this is. So so so so embarrassing. The worst part is the other girl doesn't even like me. So this is double embarrassment. Or i don't know embarrassment raised to the power infinity. How am i going to face these girls now? I'd rather jump in a well. Damn it i'm going mad.

After A Death

Once there was a shock that left behind a long, shimmering comet tail. It keeps us inside. It makes the TV pictures snowy. It settles in cold drops on the telephone wires. One can still go slowly on skis in the winter sun through brush where a few leaves hang on. They resemble pages torn from old telephone directories. Names swallowed by the cold. It is still beautiful to hear the heart beat but often the shadow seems more real than the body. The samurai looks insignificant beside his armor of black dragon scales.

Ps - This poem isn't by me. Its by the Nobel Prize for Literature winning poet Tomas Transtomer. Just posted it because its so good.

Mumbai

Its one hell of a city. I just visited it and can assure you can get lost in the city forever without even thinking of trying to get out of it. 

Life in Mumbai is extremely fast. People are always on the run trying to catch local trains if not their shitty vada paos. But the overall environment is quite good. No one cares who'se sitting next to them or what he's wearing. This is quite different from North India where people live to show off what brand they're wearing.

Back to Mumbai. The city has everything up its sleaves to offer. From the best hotels and cafes to the roadside pav bhaji valas. From the best brands in the world to fashion street with the best imitations of these brands at fractional prices. From the biggest temples to the red light district. Everything you might want the city has it.

You can never get bored in the city. The city might get tired of you and grind you out but you never get enough of it. Its the city of dreams. Millions flock to it every year to make money. And the city has loads of it to offer, only a lot of shrewdness is required. 

Good Things

So my friend read my blog. He says 'Dude you showed your anger, show your love'. Well i don't know about love. Let me just try.

I love that girl. I most definitely do. She gets me racing. She makes my heart pound. But i don't have the same effect on her. Maybe this thought has took over me. I can't get it out of my head.

Every-time i try to think about her, 'She's never going to get with you' rings in my head. And all i feel is hatred and anger. I'm optimistic about everything in life, except getting her. I haven't popped the question yet but i know the truth.

This post had to be of love and i started off with hatred again. I can't think of anything when it comes to love. Its just her name that rings in my mind when i hear the word. I get lost. My heart beats faster than anything can. She makes me go weak in my knees. She has an effect on me, an effect that even the strongest of drugs can't have.

All moments spent with her are etched in my mind. Whether good or bad, they're mine. Small little memories are strewn around the floor of my mind. I try to sweep them away, but they're too strong. I love you too much.

I fought with you. For no reason i spoke shit. My bruised ego got the better of me. I'll have to destroy this ego before it destroys me. I didn't talk to you for a long time after that fight. Only i know what i went through.

I couldn't face my own bloody self for saying all that. Everytime i read your name in my phonebook i tried to press Call. But i couldn't. With which face would i have called you? The face of a bloody loser who's bruised ego drives his actions?

It was the worst month of my entire life. Everyday filled with the emptiness of not being able to feel you. Of not hearing your voice. I was as bad as a drug addict out of his daily dose.

But you still forgave me. I can never forget that. You gained respect in my eyes. Only a few people have and you're at the top. You still talk to me like nothing ever happened. You still tell me all your lame bullshit stories with the same keenness.

You're still the same. How can i not love you? How can i not go crazy about you? How can i stop the million dollar smile which fucking covers my face when my phone flashes your name? I cannot. The truth is, I love you too much.

The Chick i Couldn't woo

Fuck you bitch. That's basically what i want to say to you. But i can't. I won't be able to ever. Because i love you too much. I don't use the word love often. Its too big. It deserves to be used with respect. Coming back to you.

You're such a bitch. You always have it your way. Never let another person out-shadow you. Never let me have it my way. And you're so weird. Its always so weird talking to you.

There's nothing to talk of most of the time. It makes me wonder if you're what i want. But then, you turn me on like no other think can. You set my heart racing like no other person does. But never let me get close to you. Never. I wish i could crack you. See your inner self. The mantle-ness you're hiding. But i'm never able to.

And you're not interested in me. Hell. You're interested in another asshole. It makes me think if becoming an asshole would make me get you. But then again, i'm too proud a person to change for you. Plus there's no guarantee i would get you. People say drink your ego and you'll have success in love. But why can't i have you love me for what i am.

 Maybe you're not the right one for me. I don't even list as one of your close buddies. Its dis-heartening. But i've learnt to live with it. The occasional feeling of emptiness, i can handle. I think i'm emotionally strong enough to go through all this.

 Not having you doesn't hurt me. What hurts me is that an asshole is close to you. Yes thats a dagger in the heart. But the pain lasts only for a minute.

I read a similar kind of confession somedays back. I wondered why that person use to write about his ex in it. Now i understand. There's always this third person in the story. And that person always gets the attention.

Yes the pain. It only lasts a minute. I recover from it pretty soon. I read somewhere the pain of separation from your beloved is the worst. It confuses me. Is she the one i really need. After all, she doesn't affect me much emotionally.

But this doesn't matter much. she's never gonna want me. Fuck you bitch. Someday i'll ball up to say it on your face. I'll be strong enough. No not 'Fuck you bitch'. I'll say Maa Chuda Bhenchod. Yes. I have so much fire in me.

But it all cools down. The thought of never having that weird talk with you is too strong. I can't bare that. I might be able to bear that asshole marrying you (i know i'm too young to talk of marriage but then fuck you too) but not a total cut off from you.

Sigh. this is such a confusion. But someday the words 'I Love You' will also come out from my mouth. For you. But also will Maa Chuda Bhenchod. And i'll beat that asshole up. I'm sure i will. I told my dad i'll never indulge in violence, but even daddy dear will understand for i'm sure he would have suffered from this fate at some point of his life.

Every guy does.

Whatever you may like it to be

I have a lover, A lover like no other

I won't tell her name, For you may blemish her fame

She's like a present, Like rain to a peasant

She's the pretty dove, the one which fills everyone with love

She makes sing, When i'm drowning to the sting

She makes me smile, When i haven't had it for a while

She shows me the way, Even when its another girl whom i want to stay

She gives me the warmth, Even when i'm puffing spite

She gives me hope, When I've lost all belief

She sets things right, It was late after midnight

I'm not scared of Death, I never was

Its the nightmare which chills me to the spine, the nightmare of living without her

For she was the one, who made me feel love for the very first time..